Giving up.

23 Jan

I just read Ben Does Life and all it makes me want to do is run. The doctor told me months ago that she thought my increase in running distance  was why my cycle got longer suddenly and she would prefer I cut way back or even switch to another form of workout. So, I cut back on running. Later, books on infertility told me that studies show that intense exercise and infertility are not compatible. So, I stopped running completely, grasping for anything to help me help myself. Last week the weather was so nice it took everything I had not to just go run.

Last night I was talking with a friend about giving up. Not giving up hope, actually giving up activities and material items in order to achieve bigger things; in this instance a viable pregnancy. I allow myself caffeine only in the form of unsweetened iced tea with one meal a day, I gave up running and the goal of a half marathon, I gave up the ability to make long-term plans, I gave up drinking when I felt like it, I gave up all of my extra income to save for treatment. I feel like a fraud with my “Do Life” car sticker because I have given up doing life.

I hid from posting here again after my last post because something happened that gave me hope for this cycle. I let myself get caught up in the belief that this was it for us, that we were those people who got the magic fertility boost from testing, that we could use the money we are saving for cribs and clothes instead of injections and an impersonal conception.  I have given up on this too.

I am at a crossroads right now. After a year, I am tired of bowing to trying to conceive. I want to say, “infertility be damned” and run, drink and enjoy doing my life. I had a small glimpse of what this would be like last week and I savored it. I’m just not sure I can deal with the constant feeling of “what if” dogging me if I adopt this attitude. I’m beginning to give up on my ability to know which is the right path anymore.


One Response to “Giving up.”

  1. Sarah January 24, 2012 at 5:28 pm #

    I know it’s tough! :-(. You just have to so what you think is best for you. You’re a smart, strong person and I know you will figure it out! 🙂

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