Archive | July, 2012

Finding My Grace Friday

27 Jul

Facebook can be many things…a source of hurt, a place to share joy, somewhere to make yourself look like an ass; but lately for me Facebook has been a real and constant reminder that even whenever things are “normal”, life is a very fragile thing that can in no way be taken for granted. If you have healthy children, hug them tight. If you have had a healthy, full term pregnancy, celebrate it and give thanks to God. This morning, finding my grace isn’t hard to do, the things to be thankful for are right in front of my eyes.

1. What is something small that you take for granted each day? Titan. Though he really can not be called “small”, having the three-foot, 125 lb mound of joy in my life has made my life so much richer. His velvet ears and club of death tail are enough to make even the worst things a little more manageable.

2. What is something you know you are so lucky to have that others don’t? I have a strong extended family and a group of people who took me on as family when my immediate family crumbled. Having aunties, grandparents and cousins that are no more related to you than a stranger on the street but love you and treat you like you were born in to their family is a larger blessing than even those with just a loving extended family have. I am very, very, very blessed.

3. What is something you know you need to be more grateful for and need to work on? I feel like I can’t phone it in and carry the IF journey over into next week, so…I really need to work on being happier with what we have now. I am guilty, like I am sure many are, of wanting to have more than I do now. It’s not a greedy materialism that drives this need, it’s just a feeling that I am stalling. I was EXTREMELY blessed to be able to become a homeowner at 22. I remain extremely blessed that we have what we do in our mid-late 20’s…but because I “got it all” so early on I am plagued by the need to go bigger and better. I feel like I am not moving forward fast enough but this is absolutely ridiculous. We could literally stay exactly like we are right now and be better off than 50% (likely more) of Americans our age and even older than us. I need to work on being more thankful for this. Like, really need to work on it.

4. How did you do on being more grateful for your #3 item from last week? Something awesome has happened in regards to being more thankful for the ability to do IF treatment. By working on seeing the positives in this process and being thankful for our good fortune I have been able to have a more positive outlook in general about this cycle. Even though I feel “normal”, I still believe it will work. I have also been able to realize that if it doesn’t, it’s okay. We will not only survive it, we’ll be stronger for it.

Have a good weekend. 🙂


Finding My Grace Friday

20 Jul

Today I am blogging from the waiting room of the RE’s office. I am surrounded by other women with the same goals and hopes. I can’t help but hope they get what they are searching for.

Without further ado.

1. What is something small that you take for granted each day? Pedicures. My back was hurting so badly yesterday from the heaviness of having multiple large follicles sitting on my ovaries. An hour in the pedicure chair with my friend by my side was an amazing break.

2. What is something you know you are so lucky to have that others don’t? I have an excellent partner in Randall. The last two months have been hard on me physically. Having him pick up the slack in cleaning, cooking, etc so I can lay on the couch and rest has been amazing.

3. What is something you know you need to be more grateful for and need to work on? See below.

4. How did you do on being more grateful for your #3 item from last week? I really made an effort this week to be thankful for the ability to do infertility treatment. When the stims made my back hurt so badly, I remembered that I was lucky to have responded so well to the medicine at all. When I was so busy at work and had to make time for appointments, I was thankful to have a job that allowed me to leave without issue. There are still issues for me to work on though, so I am carrying this one over to next week as my #3 answer.

As for an update, we’re doing IUI#2 today. I have three follicles and feel really positive about it. In two weeks, I may feel ridiculous having done so but I am going to believe in this one. Here’s hoping that I’m right for us and my fellow waiting room companions.

I Got 99 Problems But The Stims Ain’t One

17 Jul

This morning was my first monitoring appointment of this IUI cycle. My medicine protocol was tweaked this time and I am taking almost double the dose of stimulating medication (stims in the IF lingo) than I was last time. At first I was kind of freaked out by this as the initial idea of putting a super-potent hormone into my body gave me pause, so putting double the amount in was a little scary. Fortunately, those fears were quelled this morning as I got the news that things are progressing nicely and that I will only have to take the stims for one more night meaning I will take nearly the same amount of medication as last time, just much more efficiently.

An random aside for my Googling IF Peeps: I am on 125iu of Follistim and will have stimmed for 5-6 days. My main side effects are fatigue, lower back pain, acne like a teenager and a big dose of the rage-ahol. I kind of want to cut bitches every once in awhile…mainly over dumb stuff like taking too long in the Starbucks drive-thru or taking the parking garage elevator from floor 3 to 4, you know…normal IF med induced cut-a-bitch stuff. 🙂

A random aside for my non-IF Peeps about the stim meds: some of them are made from the urine of post-menopausal nuns. No joke. It kind of makes you say hmmm when you think about the religious debate about IVF. Just some food for thought.

Back to this morning though. As you may or may not know I am a big believer in what I refer to as the “Woo Woo Floaty”…think of the feeling a psychic invokes in her patrons when she hits on something important…that is the “Woo Woo Floaty.” I quite like the idea of karma and truly believe that the Universe not only listens to things you put into it, it also gives you answers or signs when you look for them, this morning was no exception. The lot/road next to my doctor’s office is being worked on. It has been torn up since we started the first IUI cycle, with men and large machines working every time we have an appointment. Driving in this AM, I realized that some progress had been made and noticed that the street sign had been put up. The name of the street is “Leslie.” I got the WWF feeling then. I then pulled into the parking lot about 25 minutes early for my appointment, so I decided to wait for Randall to arrive for a bit before going in. I turned off my car and heard music. I though the workers had a radio on but then realized one of the construction workers was signing a Spanish song in one of the clearest, most beautiful voices I have ever heard. For some reason this sealed the deal for me…I have hope. I am letting it soar and letting the Universe know I am ready. I want to be a parent and I turn over all of my faith that this is will be the treatment cycle that makes it happen.

Finding My Grace Friday

13 Jul

As you probably saw in the last post, there are some pretty negative things in my life right now. Being a Negative Nancy is not at all who I am or how I want to be perceived/live my life. I feel like the blog will receive an unfair share of negativity just do the journalistic nature of my writing, so I wanted to start something to counter that.

I feel like it’s important to find things that make you realize how great you really have it. In my case, 90% of my life is absolutely amazing, there is just this little 10% that doesn’t work out. Whenever I visit my Maw-Maw, we say “Grace” before every meal. Without fail this moment of thanksgiving for something as simple as homemade biscuits and hand-fried chicken always strikes me as something much more profound. I often find myself wondering what other simple things I am taking for granted by not saying “Grace” for them. Thus, “Finding My Grace Friday” is born.

Here’s how it will go: Same questions every week, short answers, some follow up from the previous week. Feel free to participate if you want, either in the comments or in your own blog. If not, that’s cool too…just take a moment to think about your grace.

1. What is something small that you take for granted each day? I have a car I absolutely adore. We purchased it new and some of the “perks” of it were a frivolous buy. Every morning I get into my car and just take for granted that it runs so well and that it has so many creature comforts.

2. What is something you know you are so lucky to have that others don’t? I am so lucky to have a job I love and to work with people I love even more. It is such a blessing to come to work each day and leave in a better mood than when you arrived.

3. What is something you know you need to be more grateful for and need to work on? We are extremely lucky that we even have the oppotunity to pursue infertility treatment. I know that there are so many couples who reach this point and stop, solely due to finances. We have been able to do this without touching our savings or cutting back on our lifestyle. This is such a blessing and I get so bogged down in the negatives of the process that this is something I just take for granted and give little thought to.

Next Friday there will be a fourth question, 4. How did you do on being more grateful for your #3 item from last week?

Heading into the weekend – we are attending the wedding of our next door neighbors. Low-key weddings can be fun, so I am looking forward to that. We have nothing else planned which is also something to look forward to. Enjoy your weekend!

603 Words

12 Jul

You know how sometimes when things get crazy or uncomfortable it is easier to run from then than deal with them head on? Blogging became one of those things for me. A lot has happened and changed since I blogged way back in April. When I started this blog I thought I would write about three main things, school, weight loss and infertility. It’s only fitting to address the changes in that order I suppose.

1. School – In late May I made a huge change to my “life plan.” If you remember I won an award back in March for a History paper I had written. This turned out to be a blessing in more ways than I expected. Since the award made me “known” around the History department at school, I got a more insider look into what being a professor or grad student was really like. Unfortunately, I didn’t like what I saw and it made me panic about my future. For the first time I really started to doubt that I wanted to teach at all. The first time I verbalized this to anyone was on a Monday evening. I told Randall I was having doubts and I wasn’t sure what to do. I told him I needed to put it out into the Universe and let the Universe guide me. So I did. On Wednesday of that week I was contacted by a friend I had worked with before and offered an amazing opportunity to get back into my old industry. Knowing the offer meant putting my all into making it a career, I knew accepting it meant I would likely never teach. It was a huge decision to make but I decided to take the opportunity. Since it would be ridiculous to stop now, I am still finishing my undergrad degree and if I ever decide that I should have been a teacher, there are paths to get me there. I have been at my new job since early-June and I now know it was the right decision.

2. Weight loss – I have gained 15 pounds since I stopped blogging. It’s not something I love or am proud of but it has happened. I gained 12 of those pounds over a two week period. Since I wasn’t eating 3000 calories a day, I think there is probably another culprit…

3. Infertility – I did a treatment cycle in June. I am going to be honest…I would not wish this on my worst enemy. It was very expensive, the daily shots were intense, I felt like I was not myself. I had little control over my emotions and no control over my hormones/body. I responded beautifully to the medication, Randall had perfect numbers, our RE called the cycle “textbook.” We waited two weeks for the blood test to find out if we were finally pregnant with anxious hope. We allowed ourselves to talk about our child, to dip our toes into our hopeful future, to fully embrace the idea that this could be it, we could be parents. On July 9th we were told the cycle had failed. More than anything I am frustrated and angry that even after 17 failed cycles and now one failed treatment cycle the answer still remains “we just don’t know” when we question why this is not working for us.

This is where we are today, waiting to see if we will cycle again. I am thinking about making a return to blogging and felt like getting this big comeback post out of the way might make that easier for me. So there it is 77 days of my life in 603 words.