603 Words

12 Jul

You know how sometimes when things get crazy or uncomfortable it is easier to run from then than deal with them head on? Blogging became one of those things for me. A lot has happened and changed since I blogged way back in April. When I started this blog I thought I would write about three main things, school, weight loss and infertility. It’s only fitting to address the changes in that order I suppose.

1. School – In late May I made a huge change to my “life plan.” If you remember I won an award back in March for a History paper I had written. This turned out to be a blessing in more ways than I expected. Since the award made me “known” around the History department at school, I got a more insider look into what being a professor or grad student was really like. Unfortunately, I didn’t like what I saw and it made me panic about my future. For the first time I really started to doubt that I wanted to teach at all. The first time I verbalized this to anyone was on a Monday evening. I told Randall I was having doubts and I wasn’t sure what to do. I told him I needed to put it out into the Universe and let the Universe guide me. So I did. On Wednesday of that week I was contacted by a friend I had worked with before and offered an amazing opportunity to get back into my old industry. Knowing the offer meant putting my all into making it a career, I knew accepting it meant I would likely never teach. It was a huge decision to make but I decided to take the opportunity. Since it would be ridiculous to stop now, I am still finishing my undergrad degree and if I ever decide that I should have been a teacher, there are paths to get me there. I have been at my new job since early-June and I now know it was the right decision.

2. Weight loss – I have gained 15 pounds since I stopped blogging. It’s not something I love or am proud of but it has happened. I gained 12 of those pounds over a two week period. Since I wasn’t eating 3000 calories a day, I think there is probably another culprit…

3. Infertility – I did a treatment cycle in June. I am going to be honest…I would not wish this on my worst enemy. It was very expensive, the daily shots were intense, I felt like I was not myself. I had little control over my emotions and no control over my hormones/body. I responded beautifully to the medication, Randall had perfect numbers, our RE called the cycle “textbook.” We waited two weeks for the blood test to find out if we were finally pregnant with anxious hope. We allowed ourselves to talk about our child, to dip our toes into our hopeful future, to fully embrace the idea that this could be it, we could be parents. On July 9th we were told the cycle had failed. More than anything I am frustrated and angry that even after 17 failed cycles and now one failed treatment cycle the answer still remains “we just don’t know” when we question why this is not working for us.

This is where we are today, waiting to see if we will cycle again. I am thinking about making a return to blogging and felt like getting this big comeback post out of the way might make that easier for me. So there it is 77 days of my life in 603 words.

Advertisements

2 Responses to “603 Words”

  1. laurenann05 July 12, 2012 at 12:37 pm #

    I’m so glad to see you’re back! Congrats on the new job and still finishing that degree.

    I am so sorry that the treatment didn’t work and that you still don’t have answers. I’m keeping you in my thoughts.

  2. Sara July 12, 2012 at 7:09 pm #

    Great blog! Welcome back. I am thinking about you daily and pulling for you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: