Tag Archives: Bitter Betty Strikes Again

Lucky Number Thirteen

26 Mar

So begins cycle 13 of trying to conceive. Behind me now are twelve months broken into two week increments. Twenty-four weeks of ill-founded but ever-present hope followed by twenty-four weeks of “maybe it’s just too early” and sadness as each cycle ended just as it began.

The “break” is going fine but the novelty of “just relaxing” is wearing off. I feel like we are in this weird limbo of knowing what we have to do to (hopefully) get pregnant but not being at a place financially or emotionally to get it done.

I was driven to blog by two things:

1) A surprise pregnancy announcement from a cousin who included that they were not trying to conceive in his post. As I read his announcement and the numerous subsequent posts of his immediate family on my feed, I felt a hollow sadness creep in. I still hit like, I still wrote congratulations and though I meant it, it stung a little.

2) A friend was talking to Randall about how having his daughter changed his life. The friend then looked me in the eye and told me that he didn’t want to pressure me but we needed to get going if we were going to because it just gets harder as you get older. I smiled, laughed and made a comment about being older and wiser.

I guess more than anything it’s these times that wear me down. I want to be 100% happy for everyone, I want to be able to let things roll off my back but it just costs me more than I am comfortable admitting. The “rules” of being a good person say that I need to be thankful for what I have and not ungrateful for what I don’t. I am thankful but I’m also tired.

I woke up late this morning and had to rush out the door. I feel like this kind of put me off balance for the day, so tomorrow will be a good one. It has to be, right?